Friday, February 8, 2013

Well not EGGactly...

I tend to be challenged in the kitchen.  Scott would say that was an understatement.

I can do a few things right in the kitchen.  According to Scott, I can cook perfect bacon, and apparently that’s the only perfect thing I do. 
I can also make quiche, which might be a kind of passé thing in the culinary world today.  I can also open a can of soup and heat it, and then I’m pretty good at making PB& J or grilled cheese sandwiches.  I can also boil an egg and make toast.  The toast might have a few charred edges but Mother always said to scrape it off and eat it anyway.

The Cape Carteret Garden Club had its annual card party fundraiser.  Every person in the club makes food and sets up a smorgasbord for the players.  The players pay a nominal fee and then have a great time playing cards for hours after a great lunch.  I’ve even seen them play for money; the Bunco squad might be raiding us next time.

I volunteered to bring egg salad sandwiches, fruit and a raffle item.  I decided on orange slices because I couldn’t mess that up, and the raffle item would be my humor book with a few other things thrown in.  The egg salad sandwiches should have been a piece of cake.  I was wrong.  Apparently, the moon was in the right house for egg salad sandwiches, and I was in another one.

I decided to use the food processor.  I cleaned up all the cobwebs, dust and dead bugs before beginning; my dogs had a sneezing fit.  It was the wrong appliance for the job and it took two dish washing cycles to get off all the salad stuff.

I had 18 eggs, 1 loaf of long bread, mayonnaise, pickle gherkins and spices ready to go.  While the eggs were cooking, I chopped the pickles, added a touch of mustard, a little onion and garlic powders and salt and mayonnaise in the processor.  It did its thing and I was so pleased that the machine would be my helper today.

I tasted the sauce, there was too much salt in it.  No worries, by the time the eggs and more mayo were added it would be great.  The eggs cooled down and were chopped into chunky bits, then added to the sauce with the last of this jar of mayonnaise. 

Holy cow, it wasn’t egg salad, it was something from the Dead Sea. 

 It needed more mayo.  I found a new jar in the frig, opened it, looked at it, tasted it, and then read the expiration date: June, 2012- that one had expired 7 months ago.  I retrieved another new jar of mayonnaise and saw the expiration date was April, 2012- they both got tossed. 

Now, I’m out of eggs, mayonnaise and pickles.  What to do?  In my puny culinary brain, I seemed to recall that potatoes can be used for removing salt.  It couldn’t hurt, so I peeled and sliced a small potato, patted it dry and stuck them in the salad; the bowl was covered and placed back in the frig.   Ten seconds later Scott enters the kitchen.

“Hi Ma, how was your day?”

“Well I’m trying to make egg salad sandwiches for the card party, and it’s not going too well.”  I thought I heard a snort.  “I’ve run out of pickles, and gone through 3 jars of mayonnaise, 2 that expired and I think I’ve over salted the eggs.  Right now, I don’t have egg salad.  We’ll have to stop at the grocery store later on so I can finish it.”

Scott didn’t argue, just smiled and agreed.  At the store, I bought non-expired mayo, more pickles, 2 dozen eggs (just in case), and an extra loaf of bread- with my luck the other loaf had expired too.

I was determined to use all the sauce with the new boiled eggs, so I mixed it in small quantities.  Surprisingly, my concoction worked and instead of only making egg salad for one long loaf of bread, the 3 dozen eggs, 4 jars of mayo, 2 jars of pickles, and spices filled 2 long loaves of bread and a small container.  

Rather than a cheap batch of sandwiches, they cost $31.65.   

I could have ordered subs for that price.  Next time, I'l just donate money to the cause.      

The sandwiches turned out pretty good, and no one got sick from them.  This time.  

I'd love to hear about your kitchen challenges.  Email me at

I hope your day is full of great sandwiches.                                                                                                                                                      


  1. Great story, Helen.

    The lesson is that you can buy a tray of egg salad sandwiches at your grocery store's deli counter. I'll bet they cost less than $31.65.

  2. Dear Lord, I have jammed raw potato in the weirdest food all because I always always always end up over-salting things. The potato never cures my cooking ills, sadly.