How To Wrap A Cat

I love getting emails and those cute posters from Facebook.  Recently I received a video on “How To Wrap A Cat.”

The title perplexed me.  

I asked myself, why would you wrap a cat?  

How would you wrap a cat?  

What would you use to wrap a cat? 

And most importantly, How many people are needed to wrap a cat? 

I have three cats: Tiger, a male tabby, Motley and Miss Kitty, both female Torti-whites.  They are indoor/outdoor cats, with ALL their claws. 

My bedroom leather chair and ottoman used to be their favorite scratching post.   

You can imagine what it looks like, but I’m not ready to get another one they can attack.  

I figure that when Will gets his own apartment, he can have both of them.  

Guys don’t notice things like stuffing coming out...

Here’s a picture of Tiger.

This is Miss Kitty.

Here’s Motley.

They look angelic, don’t they?

They’re not!

I can’t imagine any of my cats allowing to be wrapped.

They don’t like to take orders, in fact the only time I get them to come is when food is brought out.

They don’t like being still; they’d rather pounce on things and wage war on each other.

And, paper would be a toy to shred, along with my hands.

Would I want to wrap my cats?  No.  I’ll leave that to a Cat Wrapping Whisperer.

However, someone has apparently taught his cat to obey, and be wrapped.  

Bravo.

Check out this holiday video and be amazed.       

http://vitaminl.tv/video/621?ref=rcm

May all your days be filled with things that are wrapped, so that you may unwrap them.

I’d love to hear from you.  Email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com.

Best advice for Computer Screen Cleaning

My "office" is actually the dining room table.  It houses my computer, my working folders, research, notes and a bottle of Coke.  
I gave up Mtn. Dew, two years ago in February, but I still need something to jump start my day.

The rest of the dining room feels like an office in a dining room. Piles of magazines with my articles, pens, reporter's notebooks and sticky notes stuck to everything.   
In fact I believe these sticky notes have created a new king of wallpaper. 
I doubt they will ever come down.
Perhaps I should patent this.  

I'm sure you're wondering where we eat dinner.  Well, that depends on how busy I am with work.  If I'm on hiatus, then I clear away enough placemat areas and we eat by my computer.  
It's not romantic but it does the job.  
Otherwise, any chair or couch spot that isn't commandeered by the dogs, becomes a spot for dinner on a tray, before the dogs come back.

My "office" can become cluttered and even filthy.  Periodically, I clear off the bills, old newspapers, find the missing half of my sandwich from a week ago, and begin writing again.  
I use a can of air over the keyboard to get rid of the sandwich crumbs and try to clean off the fingerprints from my screen, sometimes.  
I suppose I should take better care of the workhorse of my writing and even get it professionally cleaned.
Maybe I'll do that when I get the time.

Until then, let me share the best way I've found to clean the computer screen in my house.  
http://www.formation-massage-stage.fr//outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf


May all your days be filled with clean computer screens and a pristine working environment.  And whoever you are that shared the computer screen cleaning tutorial, thank you.   I'd love to hear from you; email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com

Have a great day.

Is there any humor in Physical Therapy?

There are three phrases I don’t want to hear today in Physical Therapy:  

1) straighten your leg, 

2) Let's see how far you can bend your knee,  and

3) you will be sore tomorrow.

I hate to think that I’m decrepit, but if the cane fits…

Today I had an appointment with the physical therapist to help me strengthen my knees, so that I can start walking better and begin exercising.  

That last part wasn’t thrilling, but if the PT works, I’ll put exercising on my New Year’s resolution.

The first thing I was told, was to pedal a bicycle… Yea, right!

I can hardly walk and I’m supposed to “warm up” on the bike.  “Are you kidding?” 

I was told to just go back and forth and not around and around, for 5 minutes.  

To take my mind off the activity, the therapist asked me mindless questions.  

Perhaps she thought about “mind over matter”; if my mind wasn’t on the pain from biking, then the time I spent warming up wouldn’t matter.   

Okay, she’s a psychological whiz; the time went fast and I didn’t die.

Next, I sat in a chair with a latex band around my foot and began sliding it back and forth on a carpet glide.  Who knew these things had another use?  I lived through this too.

Then I sat in a chair, leg straight, toes up and I bent over my knee.  This was to stretch the hamstrings.  

The right leg did fine.  

The left one, well, if I could have gotten away with crying like a baby, without looking like a baby, I would have.  

So, when I yelped, the tech said not to lean over as much, and I became a grown up again.

Then to the table.  “Hop on,” said the technician.   

Yea, right.

After a series of stretching, the tech asked me if I liked ice.  

“I love ice in my tea.”  She didn’t smile.  “I don’t mind using ice.”

“What about a little stimulation,” she asked?  

“What kind of stimulation?”

“You know, using some electrodes around the knee.  This should stimulate the muscles to work more.  Once you’re on them for ten minutes, then you can go home,” she said.

“Okay.”  

She pulled of some sticky pads that had a port attached to them and then pulled out some red and black tipped wires and began plugging me in.  

“My dad told me that you should put red to red and black to black,” saying it with a smile.

“It doesn’t work that way,” she said without smiling.  

What happened to that mind over matter thing, especially with electricity?  

“Just let me know when the tingling gets to be too much.”  

Too much?   Sure, I’ll let you know!

After a few adjustments, I sat with electrodes and a freezie bag on each knee, and after ten minutes, the tech said, “Okay you’re finished.  How does that feel?”

“My legs are frozen and they feel weird.  I think I need a wheelchair.”  I think she finally smiled, but I wasn't.  

“Unfortunately, you’ll be sore tomorrow,” she said.  

Tomorrow?  I think today is tomorrow…

Oh boy, three times a week for the next six weeks.  No humor here.

May all your days be without ice and electrodes, unless you're into that.  Email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com.

Have a great day.

Thoughts on Being Old and Young

I’ve always felt young.  

Discount the bad knees from playing sports in high school and college, the bulging disks, spurs and my Rheumatoid Arthritis.  

Despite it all, I feel great and have the mental stamina of a 30 year old.  

The body seems old but I feel young.

Although I have gray hair, which periodically colored, and computer glasses for extended wear, I guess you could say, I’m not as young as I believe I am.

Perhaps my perception of age is aging. 

This morning I’m sitting the lunch room of the Boone Senior citizen Center. 

I’m tagging along with my friend, Pat for a couple of hours so that she can finish weaving a shawl.  

I brought along my computer to catch up on a bit of writing.

Pat is a basket weaving buddy, and we've know each other for 9 years.  She has been living in Boone for almost 3 years and she’s quite a vibrant person.  Since she’s been living here, going to the senior citizen center, she’s stopped dying her hair.   Her short-cropped hair is now salt and pepper with black hair around her face.  I couldn’t believe she chose to let it go natural.

I’ve been in senior centers before and around older folks.  

Somehow, I feel like the odd man out… or odd woman out.

I’m facing the windows and a small parking lot, feeling eyes staring at my computer screen and ultimately me. 

“Who is she?  What is she working on?  What’s she doing here?”

Feeling the piercing stares, I turn around slightly and see an elderly woman watching me type on the computer.  

Now I feel out of place. I guess I’d have the same feelings if some stranger honed in my territory.

I wonder if they feel “young”. 

I wonder if I didn't dye my hair, would I fit in here?

"B-13.  O-64."

Wow, it's Bingo.

I love Bingo.
Wonder if they would let me play.
The prizes look pretty good...

May all your days be filled with things that make you feel young.  I'd love to hear from you, email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com.

Best Travel Survival Kit

When I taught Middle Grades Science classes in N.C., I always started the year with a unit on Hurricane Awareness.  Logical, right?   The goal was to prepare the kids and their families with a “Disaster Diet Kit” that could take them into a prepared state.  

The first things we talked about were the obvious: toilet paper and a place to do “it” in, medicines, pet stuff, flashlight and all the other things to keep safe.  The biggest discussion was on food and water.  I always said that peanut butter saves lives.

Peanut butter has saved me many times.

Whenever I travel to Europe and beyond, I carry a big jar of peanut butter, plastic knife and lots of zip bags.  The goal is to eat breakfast, then carry off their packets of jam, and rolls or bread.  Then, go back to the room and make lunch.  Along the way, we’d pick up some fruit, chips, soda and water.  

Voila.  A cheap lunch and we could use that money we didn’t spend for stuff we wanted to do.

Recently, I’ve added a couple of other things to the picnic basket, Frank’s Hot sauce and some all-purpose, salt-free spices.  

Why, because when you travel in the U.K., your taste buds are not satisfied. 

Yes, they have salt, and that’s about it. 

Want some flavor?  You need spices.

I believe they also need some Food Network cooking shows.

This trip to Scotland has me smuggling peanut butter and jam sandwiches, hot sauce and spices into the eateries.  
I even tried the spices in the hotel restaurant, where our tour met for dinner.  The spices did the trick and only one gentleman saw that my food had something his food did not.  

I ate everything, while others left lots.

I decided that the spice bottle was a little conspicuous, so I found a plastic pill pouch and filled it, then added it to my purse toiletry bag.  I’m prepared for the next meal.

However, the hot sauce bottle is a little different.  What if my bag fell over or I ran into a wall.  

The bottle might not survive and I would end up smelling like hot sauce.  

So, I haven’t figured out how that will work, but I’m sure that once I bring it out, the entire tour group will be vying for it.  

Pounds sterling, please. 

May all your days be spicy.  Email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com

Have a great day.

The Scotland Threes

Mother always told me about things coming in threes.  

I add, “It Only Happens To Me”, in threes.

My Scotland trip called for preparation: clothes, plane trip and lots of money.

1. I ordered the wrong money and would have had to lose $50 to trade it back to US currency.   

So, I had to go back and order Pounds Sterling. 

(The upside to that is I have $300 in Euros for the next trip.)

2. I bought some nice Jones of New York navy long pants that seemed to have too much starch in them.  

I washed them before packing them, and now they are capris. 

(The upside is that I have new pair of capris for next year.)

3. I thought Scott and I would leave for Scotland on Thursday, and instead we left on Wednesday.  

Originally, I thought I was a day ahead of the packing and then found out I was a day behind. 

(The upside is that we got some extra sleep before meeting the group and got to go to Rosslyn Chapel today; think Da Vinci Code.)  

I'm so thankful I looked at the tickets on Monday, instead of Wednesday night!

Since I experienced the "threes", the trip should go smoothly... unless I start experiencing threes again.

May your days of "threes" be three things that are little enough to take care of easily.  Email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com.

Have a great day.

Writing Tips From a Nonfiction Writer

I write nonfiction.  Don’t ask me to write a novel or any kind of fictional piece.  I couldn't do it if Stephen King handed me a manuscript, stood over me, grabbed my fingers and began typing.

I also write humor. If I take a tidbit of truth and stretch it, pull it, or squish it, it becomes another animal altogether, which isn’t nonfiction, but that’s not my point here.

You might say that humor and nonfiction are polar opposites, unless it’s humorous creative nonfiction, which is my favorite genre.  Believe it or not, fiction, nonfiction and humor have a lot in common.

Writing nonfiction, creative nonfiction and humor require the same qualities as great fiction, it should be well written and flowing in a direction that takes the reader to a logical destination without them knowing they've been hijacked.

Nonfiction doesn’t have to be boring, or in sequential order.  However, it requires a working knowledge of English, few passive verbs, pertinent facts, great quotes, and a lack of clichés, in a concise, coherent writing style, with lots of hot coffee.

Sometimes when I'm writing a humor piece, I use regional phrases and accented words, like "darlin’, and “Well, shut my mouth", but it would be inappropriate for an article on nuclear fission, unless it's Southern nuclear fission.   Look professional and choose the right writing style.

The same thing is said for clichés.  Whoever coined the phrase “think out of the box” was innovative and descriptive.  After the millionth time, it became a cliché and there are better ways to utilize the English language.  Your goal should be to create the perfect phase that becomes cliché, so we can avoid it.

In Japanese, there is only one word to describe delicious food, “Oishi”.  It doesn't matter if it is for a meat or dessert, that’s the only word to use.  However, if you were to list all the words to describe delicious food in English, you might come up with ten, fifteen words or more.  Try it, then make your writing, delicious.

When I write a magazine or newspaper article, I must be mindful of the word count.  Sometimes there is a space limitation, or the publisher is paying me by the word; he’s always counting his pennies.  Bottom line, be concise, choose your words wisely, and edit, edit, edit so those pennies become dollars.

A shortcut that may help is using “TK”.  It means, “To Come” or used to fill in a space for the right word later on.  I use it when the writing stalls and I need to move on, or I've had a little too much coffee; it holds my place.

Need more direction?  Check out Jim Romenesko’s blog about words in writing from the Washington Post’s Outlook section.  http://jimromenesko.com/2013/03/20/washington-posts-outlook-bans-these-words-and-phrases/ and

http://jimromenesko.com/2013/03/22/the-story-behind-washington-posts-things-we-do-not-say- list/.

Hoppy Writing.

This piece was written for the South Carolina Writer's Workshop's blog and September issue of the Quill, the SCWW's newsletter.  Just thought you'd like to see it.

May all your days be humorous writing days.  Email me at aitken.helen@gmail.com